Suggestions that Shaped my Life
I tried to write out a long list of suggestions that helped me stay sober in that first critical year of sobriety.
Then, as usual, I got writing. The first three suggestions I thought of came with their own story. I thought it would be better to tell a short tale of each suggestion than list off every suggestion that was helpful. The miracle of the mundane, this blog, has always striven for quality rather than quantity anyway.
I also had to change the title.
At first it was “Suggestions That Saved My Life.” While the phrase is cliche, if it were the title, I would mean every word. At 24, I was trespassing naked on a farm in Mexico. I hadn’t slept in five nights and saw the world through the distorted lens of a drug-induced psychosis. I wanted to die. I was ready to die. But I didn’t.
Most literally, a kind-hearted Mexican farmer saved my life by putting down his blade. My friend saved then continued to save my life by driving to a San Diego psych ward where my family, clinicians and peers continued to save my life through recovery. And then there is God, that celestial and invisible force, weaving each of these threads together.
My point is, and take it from anyone who has come as close to death as I have, suggestions can be more like a life-preserver than an optional course of action. They have become less dire over time, but their impact has never changed.
Saying these suggestions saved my life is true, but looking back a decade later, I realize these suggestions have shaped it as well.
1) You must go to any length to stay sober
The tagline I hear often in recovery is that you go to the same length to get sober as you did to get drunk or high. As in, if I’m willing to eat nothing but bagels from the company kitchen for breakfast, lunch and dinner, I should be equally sacrificial in my effort to stay sober. If I have to choose between a meal and a meeting, the meeting comes first.
It was explained to me in simple logic by a former spiritual advisor of mine: “List the top three priorities in your life.”
“Family, work, and writing,” I said.
“If you’re drinking and using, can you manage any of those priorities?”
The answer came so clearly and quickly that I didn’t need to respond at all.
“That’s why sobriety is our first priority. Sobriety is what gives us the opportunity to have priorities to begin.”
The results of heeding this advice have been astonishing. I get more and more of the things I never thought I wanted everyday.
If you are one who struggles with a crippling addiction, there is great strength in your resolve. You have likely gone to sensational lengths to keep your habit. Walking such extremes can be beneficial in your new life, you only need to take that first step in a new direction, and keep moving forward.
2) Stay out of a relationship in your first year
Single and sober, I was told it’s best to stay that way. At least for a year.
I was not hearing this suggestion at first. I was 24, living in Portland, Oregon and it was summer time. Fresh out of a prolonged single-sex treatment program, I had the mind of a rabbit. A confused one at that. I remember gawking at women and then worrying about what I would raise a toast with at our wedding.
The suggestion to avoid relationships sat in the back of my mind like that final mover’s box sits unpacked in the closet. It was the last thing I wanted to think about, yet there it was, each time I opened the door.
I was praying for the right things but thinking about the wrong ones. Then it happened.
My first meeting in Portland was lead by a man, not much older than myself, who described how getting in a relationship led him to a relapse. I quickly sought a different meeting the next day, where another man, a good deal older than myself, relayed a similar experience. I then sought a midnight meeting at the Alano Club, hoping to discover some relief from this stubborn message, when a man, exactly my age, shared that he was doing fine until he got into a relationship and his sobriety vanished without him realizing it.
“Okay God.” I said this out loud in the meeting. “I get it.”
What I learned from my 15 months of celibacy is that I was not ready to be in a relationship in my first year of sobriety. A critical skill in recovery is learning how to have a relationship with yourself. And that, once learned, allows us to have healthier relationships with the opposite sex.
The wild thing I think about often is were it not for those prayers, would I have heard those shares? And were it not for hearing those shares, would I have met and fallen in love with the woman I pledged to spend the rest of my life with?
Unsure of the answer, I usually end those thoughts with thank you God.
3) Sometimes you have to take a step back to put your best foot forward
I was not only in a rush to get into a relationship when I first got sober, I was in a rush to move on with my life.
In my 28-day treatment, I thought I was hungry to return to my old job, my old apartment, my old friends. I thought—and I argued this it to all who would listen—I want to be sober so bad that I should go back to where I caused the damage. I wanted to prove to everybody just how sober I wanted to be.
I’ve shared this in meetings and heard the laughter. I know others can relate to this unique brand of faulty logic. Sobriety can be simplified on a binary scale: drink or not drink. Proving to others how badly I want to stay sober is no more helpful to staying sober than a lung cancer victim proving his resolve to beat cancer by smoking cigarettes.
I had to let go—this became first experience I relayed on the blog, back before I had a Facebook account.
And I did.
I was struck by the urgency to stay sober. Having recently lost the will to live, I did not have to search far into my memory for the pangs of misery that put me in front of a drug and alcohol counselor in the first place.
It was putting my life on hold for a while that opened up a brand new way of living. I needed to readjust, re-calibrate. Taking a step back—by which I mean focusing on nothing but staying sober for a year—I was able to put my best forward. Then came another step. And another.
I haven’t had to look back much ever since.
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Loved this so much, Mark. Hope you’re well.
Thank you Alicia. Nice to hear from you. Hope you’re well also.
Fortunately or unfortunately I initially found it necessary to challenge and confirm this suggestion. Anything you put ahead of sobriety will be lost along with your sobriety
I’m sorry you had to go through it again, Jeff. But man, I fee fortunate we’re both on the other side of it now and get to have this conversation from a place of peace.
Just awe-inspiring Mark. I particularly love the notion of going back to the “scene of the crime” where we can convince those people that what they saw before was not the “real me”–that this new and improved me is here for them to see. I suppose there is a whiff of genuine apology in this desire but I suspect, as you indicate, it is mixed with a need for external validation that is probably unhealthy. I am apologetic for hurting people in the past and I hope I did apologize tot hem and try to make things right–but it is important now to try not to hurt anyone else. Thanks, d
This is hitting the button, Dan. The way you describe going back through the past in those ways reminds me of the way Keats describes the poetic impulse. There is great “negative capacity” or was it “capability”? I’ll have to look it up later. But the gist as I remember when I was reading his letters is that living in doubt, fear, regret, and other emotions—emotions that on the outside appear negative—can have great therapeutic rewards. It can also make for a beautiful aesthetic in poetry and other forms.
Thank you. I needed that right reminder now.
Sure thing. Glad it was useful.
Your insight is remarkable. Thank you for sharing these.
The first year is such a tender period. I remember feeling like I was walking around without my skin. Great post and brilliant insights Mark. x
Really good read again Mark. I hope you’re well.
Thank you for going into each story.
Quality over quantity attained. Awesome.
I 100 per cent relate to the ‘life preserver’ sentiment and oh how it takes me back to certain instances that also shaped my own life.
A wonderful read as always Mark. Peace to you! ✌️👣
And to you Sam! Your feet emoji is a constant reminder that we’re just taking this thing one step at a time! I love that. Forward and onward!
I had so many epiphanies reading this, but here is my favorite: “If you are one who struggles with a crippling addiction, there is great strength in your resolve.” Profound! I’m so used to thinking that our resolve has been crippled by the inability to follow through on dreams or projects when using/drinking. This positive spin is so much more helpful than the beaten down approach.
Thank you, Mark!
Thank you for noting that. I truly believe it. I think of alcoholism as this powerful motor that just needs new steering.
It’s great to follow your story and exchange experience. Thanks for stopping by!
What an amazing story of God’s grace and redemption! God bless you for sharing it openly and honestly, Mark, and my He expand the ripple effect to impact many lives. P.S. Thank you for becoming a follower of my blog, From the Inside Out. I pray you”ll find the posts there meaningful whenever you’re able to stop by!
Thank you Nancy! Appreciate that. Happy to follow another faithful journeyer.
Wow, Yeah. I recall how one pleasant afternoon in year 1 or 2, while taking the bus to make coffee at my homegroup, the thought occurred to me: ” i really would not trade this for anything”. I felt safe, protected, and strangely free. It was around this time that I was experiencing what I then called a “cute lil paranoia” or, that my life’s circumstances were laid out with spiritual / practical opportunities all over the place. For example, when i needed a bed for the room i rented, someone gave me one. People from the recovery cmmty would pull over and pick me up when they saw me walking, etc, etc. What i heard people sharing at meetings had been corresponding uncannily to what was going on internally in the desire / aspiration plane. Anyway, back to the main point…I too, like these other folks here, needed to regroup to a simpler, humbler foundation point in order to grow from there. And today, at 64 with 30 years doing this deal, I find myself using the same principle and practice, as I prepare for the next developmental phase called uh, retirement (im my case, “semi retirement”) ….whatever that may mean. I find myself purging this lil ol life of all kinds of stuff, to set up another base -camp. Gotta go…love your blog sir, and I’ve just begun to explore it. Thanks Mark
Hey Greg – So happy you found me. I can relate a lot to your early experience. Like you, after a while, I had to admit that there were just too many coincidences for me to continue to think them coincidences. What’s that quote, coincidences are God’s way of staying anonymous? That makes perfect sense for me. I’m interested to hear what all your plans our in this new base camp. It’s great to make your acquaintance, thank you for your kind words, and here’s to another 24!
New ‘base camp’ has been established recently following the change of a relationship status. Thankfully it ended on fairly good terms and there is great love between us. Also, base camp has been set up for the next summit of facing some baby-boomer issues around “semi-retirement” at age 64. These include streamlining my substance
abuse counseling practice around strengths and preferences, vs stuff
that doesnt serve me or my clients anymore. Also have been re-focusing on
writing and musical stuff. Life is good ! Yes, here’s to
another 24 !
I was sharing with a client this morning my belief that our
recoveries, once we decide to plug in, emanate from decisions to heal from our fractured development as God’s kids, or from our spiritual delinquency, if you will. Of course, my definition for this back then may not have been in the same language as this old sober recovering nerdy guy.
When I first got sober, I probably rolled with the emotional maturity of a 12 yr old (at best), with a chronological age of 33. The issue then was to start from “there” with the good , bad and ugly. Yep, it was time to say:
“here I am, so let’s do this just like the rest of these recovering slobs….if they can do it, so can I !”….
Now, some people may interpret this as an over emphasis on one’s defects, but I don’t see it that way at all. The new brand of realism that we (finally) exhibit in early recovery is a source of strength. For me, it was evidenced by accepting things I always avoided through drinking/drugging etc, and accepting help when offered, if needed.
Cool part was, i decided. Decided to get real, turn my crap over to the Cosmic Physician and follow the prescription. And in some ways, it was as simple as getting some Zen-ish space around the crap, so I could see it instead of flailing against it in the dark. Now, if that wasn’t some beginner’s – mind – self – empowerment mojo, i dont know what is !
Even if someone is court ordered into treatment – they gotta decide to participate, somehow. I was prompted into recovery through the “court of last resort” (no legal troubles) but at times had my own share of ambivalence about my decision to start growing up ! Most of this however was probably grief around letting go of the old ‘me’. That grief was pretty thick and stubborn for me….the dark force was sometimes strong. I remember how a long timer once told me regarding my occasional suicidal thought:
“if you really do kill yourself, you will kill the wrong person”.
He then went on to emphasize that everything and everyone is changing for good or ill and that I was gonna be ok despite my mood at the time, and to have a lil faith. Oh, that beautiful ‘spiritual logic’ we hear in recovery.
And now, reflecting from my current base camp, the same good old questions still arise:
A). In what ways am i not comfy with how i am thinking, behaving and headed?
B). What can i do to manage it better?
…..this is still overwhelming and scary at times, but juicy and beautiful because one’’s ‘base camp’ is one thought , one surrender away, moment to moment.
Such peace.
My brother’s & sisters, i will leave with this quote which is attributed to St Francis, but I heard on a YouTube of a Satsang conducted by teacher named Mooji :
“What we are looking for, is what is looking”
Whoah, base camp is everywhere !
Later…it’s time to head out and act like an adult. heh heh.
I can relate to much of your journey.
Especially the part about arrested development. I also feel like, emotionally, I experienced a re-start when I got sober. That was really well put, the way you put it.
We’re at different stages in our life, but I wish you the best on this new direction you are heading. Retirement is like a distant constellation for me. We are gearing up to afford our third child this September. I can’t imagine sorting through things like that. But I’m happy to hear how it’s going for you and get a preview.
Have a good week,
Mark
Thanks Mark ! Talk soon