Gratitude

It is the Monday of my favorite holiday: Thanksgiving.

No tinsel or fireworks. No pomp and circumstance. Just family. And food.

Other holidays wear me out. I don’t think holidays should do that. They should restore. We should be able to relax. More often than not, pulling off a successful Christmas feels like more work than it does magic.

Thanksgiving puts the emphasis where most any good thing does: Thanksgiving is about people. Not just anybody. The people you are closest too.

Thanksgiving, in my opinion, also centers the nation in recovery’s greatest principle: gratitude.

It is everywhere in recovery circles: have an attitude of gratitude. 

I’m beginning to understand why.

By and large, life falls into two mentalities. We can either be grateful for it or take it for granted. Taking life for granted is dangerous business.

Use my sobriety as an example. If I begin to think that this sobriety thing is just something that happens, I lose the vigilance required to keep me sober. 

Or take my job. If I begin to see teaching as a paycheck rather than a calling, I might miss the opportunity to truly connect with a student who needs it.

It’s hard to practice gratitude when so much is taken for granted. 

Modern living has made humans expect so much. It used to be a lot to expect the train to run on time. Now we grow indignant if the train doesn’t have wi-fi capability. As we grow in our consumer expectations, we lose the simple acknowledgement that technology should make life easier. So why doesn’t it?

The stark proof of this paradox lies in the general state of anxiety that grips a larger percentage of the population by the year. Having a world connected to our fingertips is intended to make life easier. Instead, we carry with us a buzzing and beeping pressure cooker. 

It’s not 

oh great, I can engage with the world from anywhere

it’s 

because you can engage with the world anywhere, you better stay engaged with the world everywhere.

The more you think about it, the better sense it makes. Technology cannot uproot the fundamental requirements of the human condition. Whether you believe those requirements are imprinted in our bones by evolution or written in our souls by God, they are undeniably there. Namely, we want to discover answers, not have them recited for us by a talking robot.

Expecting more to be done for us than we are expected to do for ourselves is an equation for a miserable existence. This is all, of course, in my opinion. And I am not writing this post from some summit in the Himalayas. I love my phone. It makes life so much easier. It keeps me connected to the people I love, and introduces me to strangers who have changed my life.

My point is: why do I feel resentful and angsty when I have no internet to connect with? The phone becomes a traitor to my busy life. Don’t judge. I know you’ve cursed out Suri before too: Suri, you idiot! I asked if CVS was open–I don’t care about the US Open! When is the last time you thanked Suri, or Google, or Alexa, or whatever computer you talk with on a daily basis? We aren’t required to thank technology for what it does for us, yet we feel fully entitled to demand it always do a little more.

The idea for this post started in a traffic jam. 

Nothing like congestion to test the level of gratitude in your soul.

I drive my son back from play rehearsal past dinner time. I’m always impatient at anything that stands between me and my hunger. I had never experienced traffic at this particular intersection before. Up the hill, near the light, I realized why I was at a standstill: a car was in the right lane with its emergency lights on. Everyone had to merge at the last minute to avoid getting stuck behind it.

I let my horn rip, of course, as I made an aggressive and rash maneuver to try and catch the light. I wasn’t alone. Other drivers were seething at this one driver whose car caused a five minute delay.

Have you ever had similar road rage?

That evening, I expected things to go according to the rules of the road. It wasn’t until I drove further on that I even considered stopping and seeing what was wrong. Why was the car pulled over? Did the battery die? Could I have given it a jump? Whatever inconvenience I experienced by watching a few red lights pass, what dire scenario might the driver of that other car be facing? And, when you get down to it, isn’t that what really matters? Wouldn’t it be a far far greater thing to help a fellow human on the side of the road than be indignant about waiting an extra five minutes to eat my dinner?

There is a new expectation we have when driving.

There are so many roadside apps and geo-positional services that we expect people, even in emergencies, to be able to take care of themselves. Shame on us. Shame on me.

Somewhere along the line I clearly lost gratitude that my car takes me wherever I want to go—and takes me there fast. What an incredible convenience that is.

Practicing gratitude is not contingent on having a lot or a little. 

It is just what it says: a practice. 

It is not the thought that counts. Not in my experience. I’m not sharing the regret I had in not helping the driver on the side of the road so I can feel better about doing the wrong thing. I share that story as a sort of prayer, in hopes that the next time I drive by someone in distress, I stop to help.

So here’s to your gratitude feast. I pray we all, as a society, take careful stock of all we have to be thankful for.

5 Responses to “Gratitude

  • “It’s hard to practice gratitude when so much is taken for granted.”

    Fortunately, you only look after yourself, so practicing gratitude only has to do with your taking things for granted. I know what you were getting at, but what others do is none of your business.

    • Appreciate it. It’s the truth. Sometimes I think everything on the blog should be prefaced with “in my experience” or “in my opinion” but it would get very repetitive.

  • stepsherpa
    4 years ago

    Hey Mark…
    AA Big Book 12 Steps suggests learning when and how to give. Where am I responsible. Me? I have family members who look to me for emotional security and I do my best to provide it each day. I sponsor men who suffer in themselves and look to me for my shared experience and guidance in the specific AA 12 Step work offered, daily. My partner expects me to hold up a certain level of support in our relationship which I do my best to provide each day. The life I have chosen is not a coda bitch existence by any means but I do have responsibilities that I welcome to hopefully support a positive outcome for others. These are the coping skills that come with my willingness to give freely what I find each day living sober. Sure I stumble around at times but all in all I am grateful for my sober life and the purpose I feel at the end of each day.

    Don’t give up on yourself that another may benefit is not about selfishness, it’s about willingness. Especially during the holiday season when for the most part I’m not alone in my willingness to give freely.

    I decided to repeat what I did last year because I took on more and I know it works. I’m doing the stuffed puppies in Christmassy colored bags with bows for the nursing homes I’m familiar with, last year they were really appreciated. I’m doing decent winter hats wrapped with paper for the child and family transition house in town. They also appreciate the presents on Christmas eve. The food thing( dropping off a nice dinner to a random halfway house) got kind of weird with everyone having a food card these days so I dropped that one so far.. Could change though I saw some good deals on ham at Market Basket yesterday…

    So..What am I doing to show my gratitude? I’m thinking about it daily and trying to also take action. I know it’s what I need to do, I also believe it’s all part of the 3rd Step deal I made with the Higher Power long ago.

    God give me the courage and strength to continue to learn how to give without expectation. It’s a good way to live for me..

    • Sherp. Your acts of service are inspiring. I could use some on my calendar but our holiday has been upended. For now, I have to focus on the immediate family—much to do of service for my in-laws this trip.

      We have tried in the past to start a holiday service tradition. Done okay but nothing like your doing. I love it.

      Of course, working with others in recovery is my service constant. I feel I could be shut off from the spirit without that component in my life. My work has trusted me more and more to help with students, which is new and very rewarding.

      The more you give, the more you get. No doubt. I just need some reminders.

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